(I)n.(M)y.(O)pinion.

We all have fears. Some more than others, some less. And I am no different. Surprised you there, didn’t I? I’m a badass, but there are still a few things that terrify me. I’ll let you in on my weaknesses, as long as you promise not to use them against me.

1. Squirrels. I know it seems like a really stupid thing to be afraid of, but then again I bet you’ve never been chased by a half-naked, patchy black squirrel in front of your new high school over lunch..have you? Didn’t think so. Not only do I hate them because of this, but they also terrify me. That little thing they do when you walk past the tree they’re on - you know, where they stand still and stare until you walk right next to them & then they bolt around the tree like a fucking monstrous beast - I hate that. I will openly admit that every time I walk past a squirrel, my heart beats a million times a second. It’s almost like when I walk past a black man while holding my purse. Kidding, bad joke.
2. Sewage Drain Thingys. You know what I mean. The big, gaping holes on the side of road that lead to the sewer or whatever. It’s got a sign with a big ole fat toad saying, “Don’t Dump” or some other corny shit. Anyways, yeah, they scare me. Got a problem? I always think that I’m gonna be walking next to one, and for whatever stupid fucking reason, I’m going to slither down into it and be lost from the world above. I fully believe that there is a whole ‘nother world down below us. Under The Street People. And they’re slimy & scaly. Not a good look for me.
3. Vomiting. This happens to everyone. We get the flu, witness something disgusting, or have a little too much to drink. But when I have to throw up, I freak the fuck out. When I was younger I would do anything in my power to make sure that I never threw up. I avoided any location where vomiting was probable; bars, carnivals, parties, amusement parks. And if by some crazy chance, I happened to have to throw up - I would bawl my face off & beg to the heavens above me for mercy. Seriously. I was borderline emetaphobic (The fear of vomiting), if not fully. It has gotten better for me over the years however. This is due largely in part to the fact that I have now replaced my borderline emetaphobia with borderline alcoholism. So now I puke every couple months or so while drunk & it’s not too bad. So if you have this particular fear, here’s the cure!
4. Running Up The Stairs. I’ll admit, this is a really irrational fear. Sometimes, when walking up the stairs alone, I get the feeling that someone (or something) is behind me. And it’s never a good feeling. It’s terrifying, like a demonic being is right behind me. So naturally, I run. I run my fucking face off to the top of the stairs as if my life depends on it. Because as far as I’m concerned, it does.
5. Mirrors In The Dark. Like any normal girl, I love mirrors. I love staring at my reflection in a beautifully polished vanity mirror, or glancing at myself as I walk past a car window, glass building, or other reflective surface. I’m not vain by any means, and I guarantee you all do it too. Anyways, although I love mirrors, I do not like them in the dark. Every time I look in a mirror in the dark, I always feel as though someone is behind me, watching me over my shoulder. It creeps me the fuck out! It’s probably due to an overload of horror movies that I’ve watched over the course of my 23 years, but regardless..ew.
6. Numbers. This is probably my strangest fear, and that’s saying something. I have an obsession with numbers. I count everything. And I do mean everything. I like to compare myself to the character Will Ferrell portrays in “Stranger Than Fiction”. I count every sip I take of my drink, the seconds it takes to swallow that drink. Every step I take, every bite of food, the strokes my pen makes when writing a word, the syllables to my words..everything. That’s not the weird part. I do it because I have a fear of certain numbers. I can’t really fully explain it, but I’ll try my best. There are the base numbers that I don’t feel comfortable with; 3, 6, 9, and 13. And then there is any sort of combination of those numbers that makes me uncomfortable as well. For example, if I turn the volume on the radio up to 27, I will become uneasy & fearful that something bad may happen. This is because the combination of the numbers 2 & 7 result in a 9. I also have a safe number, which is 8. So if a 26 is the number of something, even though there is a 6 involved, the combo is 8 so I am okay. Fucking weird, right?
7. Going Up To A Really High Floor In A Really Old Elevator. That one is self explanatory.

What kind of things scare the jeebies out of you? I’m dying to know.

It’s 11:50PM and I am clocked in for work. Tonight, I conquer yet another overnight. It’s cool, I got this. With a little help from my Facebook friends & foes, I’ll make this one more successful shift to stick under my belt. Speaking of which, why is that even a phrase? Under my belt? Puh-leaase, I haven’t worn a belt since I was a freshman & thought glittery belts were legit for decor with my size 00 Zana Di jeans. (Yeah, I seriously wore 00, how depressing.)

Okay, so I kinda lied. I wore a belt when I was in Minnesota with my gal pal Heather. It gets mighty painful pulling up your blue jeans with gloves covered in insulation. And since I didn’t want my lucky crack showing, I opted for a belt.

I’ve got another thing on my mind. My spectacles. Why in the fucking fuck do they not seem to be working? I put them on about 5 minutes ago when I hopped on the net, and since then I’ve had to squint about a million times to see anything at all. Not to mention “I’ve been blinking like a frog in a hail storm” - As my grandma would say. C’mon though, what’s the point of spending $100 on glasses if I can’t even see the screen a foot in front of me?!

Moving on..

Here are some very awesome qualities about me:

1. I’m Honest. I’m a very truthful person and that is nice. When someone has a booger hanging out of their crooked ass nose I am quick to say, “Hey! You’re nose is super crooked man. Fix that shit.” Because seriously, who wants to walk around looking like that?
2. I’m Generous. Remember that booger we talked about earlier? The one in the crooked ass nose? Yeah, so if I happened to be walking with that person with the nose, and ran across a hungry bum..guess who so generously would give that hobo a free booger? You got it, this girl.
3. I’m Funny. Has anything stupid or embarrassing ever happened to you? I’m sure you’ve farted in public? Maybe passed out drunk and pissed your britches? Of course you have. Well I’m here to joke about it and make sure nobody ever forgets. I’m just that damn funny.
4. I’m Tough. Ever wiped your ass with sandpaper? I have.
5. I’m Loyal. After reading all these amazing qualities about my personality, you probably want to date me. And I don’t blame you! Because on top of all of those traits, I am also loyal. Once we date, I will annoy the fuck out of you. I will phone you a minimum of 15 times per day and text you even more. I will also call you shnookums or pookie in front of all your brahs. So when you’re fed up & ready to dump me, guess who’s not going anywhere? Miss Loyalty, that’s who!

I hope you guys realize after reading this, how truly blessed you are to have a pal like me in your life. I’m one in a million, which according to the U.S. Census, means that 1 in 7,000 people are like me. And I highly doubt any one of you knows 7,000 people. If you do, well then you’re obviously a stellar individual..like me. Let’s party!

As always, check out my Official Facebook page-a-roo! Click HERE!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you drunkards! I am spending this glorious holiday at work, but fortunately that gives me a moment to type out a lovely random blog just in time for you to put your party pants on.

You ever wondered why women take every holiday & turn it into a slut-fest? I don’t. I know that it’s because us women enjoy these days of freedom where we are allowed to wear what we please - and all in the name of celebration! Hoorah! What a joy it is for all..well, except the fatties. Fatties can’t stand it when we put on our short skirts & sparkly revealing tops, because they are forever condemned to moo-moo’s & men’s clothing. (Unless of course, they’re a bold fatty and they join in on the sluttastic gear. Bless their hearts.) But honestly though, do you really give a fuck about a fattys opinion? Me neither. So shake it. Shake it. Shake that healthy butt!

 Moving on, today is St. Patty’s day and all the gals are gonna tramp it up in some flashy green whore-drobe, so be prepared to see the fella’s eyes bulge! And if he takes his wee-wee to boner town, don’t be upset..you asked for it bitch. But really, who cares? If men came out in some skanky outfit with greased up six packs just ready to gyrate their man junk, do you think the women would complain? Hell no. So simmer it down for the holidays buddies, and get your motha-fuckin’ St.P’s on!

Lastly, keep it safe pals. I’ve seen them piles of lime green vomit outside the bars, and I know you little faggots can get crazy! But keep in mind that although a trip to jail, detox, or the morgue might make for an interesting story..the reality of it, is that it sucks. So buckle up, hire a leprechaun to drive, take a cab, or if all else fails just go home with some hot slampeice. Keep me in mind friends & be sure to drink an entire months worth of booze for me! Cheerio!

Blah, blah, blah, fucking Facebook page, blah. Click HERE!

(Also, in the “More Exciting News” section, I will soon be leaving you a Youtube link around these parts! Yes, that’s right, you’ll be hearing those awesome words, out of this pretty mouth. Stay tuned.)

Thank you for your special dedication to my blog. I fucking appreciate this kinda shit! As a reward, I’ve made this bonus post of the things that I Google. It may not sound all that great, but you just shut up & continue reading, okay? I promise you’ll enjoy it & you’ll also learn some useless information! Win-win!

1. How does Egglands Best stamp their eggs without breaking them?

It turns out that the answer to this is very simple. I guess they just use a really soft stamp so that the eggs stay in tact. Who would’ve guessed? Not me obviously. I seen an EB truck pass by me earlier this week & instantly thought of many genius ways to accomplish this task..but alas, a soft stamp was not what I had in mind. Go figure.

2. Can you sunburn your butthole?

The answer is yes, you can burn your poor butthole. Ouch! I wondered if it was possible because I use tanning beds a lot. How unfortunate for me that it can actually happen. I guess now I know to squeeze my buttcheeks tight next time I tan!

3. What qualifies a ketchup to be fancy?

I know a lot of people have probably been wondering this, so I got your answers. It turns out that there is actually nothing fancy about fancy ketchup! Apparently, it is a marketing ploy to trick consumers into feeling they are purchasing a higher quality ketchup. Although, I did find a different & much better answer, “Fancy ketchup is fancy because the people who eat it have their hair done, nails done, everything done.” I’m gonna stick with that reason.

Hope you learned a few random & pointless facts today! Until next time gang.

As always, be sure to check out the Official “In My Opinion” Facebook Page. Just click HERE!

(Note: As the title states, I typically feel that pick up lines are indeed for pansies. As a woman, I’ve dealt with these shameful phrases & they do suck. However, you will notice that in the second half of this blog my tone changes to suit a more pro pick-up view. This is because, as an honorary bro, I have taken it upon myself to help my fellow broski’s in a journey to Vagina Island. Because, like it or not, pick up lines will never go away..so I may as well help a brotha out.)

I don’t care who you are or what your situation is, if you intend on approaching a lady I advise you to refrain from any type of pick up line possible. Unless you’re a badass or a bro, but we’ll get into that later.

I’ve heard my fair share of pick up lines and I can assure that the success rate on these bad boys lays at a low of approximately 12.5% - that’s true, don’t question it. And don’t you fret, I’m not gonna feed you some bullshit line about how I have never fallen for one..because although I am indeed quite awesome, I too, have been suckered into one of these lame lines. How embarrassing.

Now, like every decent woman who has ever experienced the pick up line assault, I have a list of favorites that have been used on me in the past. 

• “If you were a book, I’d check you out.” - Which, as corny as it seems, it almost worked. Don’t judge me, I have a soft spot for literature. 
• “If you were a president, you’d be Baberaham Lincoln.” - Lame. But hey, it’s true.
• “If you were a cereal, you’d be Lucky Charms..cuz you’re magically delicious.” - Gag.
•  ”You maybe wanna go to the library together sometime and..read? ;)” - Again, tempting, but only if we were to seriously read.
• “Ditch the chicken dinner & get with a winner.” - Suck it bitch, I love chicken.

Most of these gain an appropriate response such as, “The Glare & Walk Away Approach”, “The Awkward Chuckle & Find A Friend Distraction”, or my personal favorite, “The Fuck You, You Will Never Take Me To Poundtown.” But a small & pitiful amount are answered incorrectly with things like, “The Batting Of Slutty Lashes”, “The I’ll Top Your Line With An Even Worse One”, and the infamous, “Fuck Yeah, I’m Already Boarding The Poundtown Express.” Le sigh.

(Note: The following is aimed towards the fellas, although if you are of the female variety, feel free to change the boy pronouns to girly shit. I’m not your bitch, I refuse to change this for both sexes.)

However, don’t make me out to be a pick up line Nazi, for I am most definitely not. There are a few instances where a pick up line can be acceptable. As you read earlier, I stated that is allowable to use a line if you are a bro. I firmly stand by this under a few conditions.

• First and foremost, you’ve got to be straight to the point. Many bros have mastered the art of not fucking around when it comes to a slampeice, so their success rate increases significantly. These days, most broads are more accomadating to the dude who lays it all out from the start, rather than the fraud who plays like Prince Charming & ends up being Dr. Douche. For example, “You’re smokin’ hot. Let’s do it.” If she is hesitant, be sure to add these touchdown scoring points, “I won’t ever blow up your phone & ask what you’re doing, who you’re with, or when you’re gonna screw off everyone else just to see me.”, as well as, “You’re free to explore cock jungle, although after me you may never want to.” 
• Secondly, if you are going to use a pick up line, you’ve got to approach the person on your own. Doing it in front of your or their pal(s) is a guaranteed failure. No one wants to be subjected to that kind of thing in front of an audience. Tackling the pick up assault as a solo mission might just score you some nookie, since she will most likely overlook the lame line simply because no one witnessed it. Therefore, she can say it never happened & as far as their pals know, you came off suave & sexy and in no way did you use some wack line.  
• And lastly, smile & make it a joke if you absolutely must use a line. I understand that not everyone (even bros) are McDreamys, so if a pick up line becomes essential, then make it a slight joke. You can play it off as your boyish charm, if she isn’t buying into it, just shrug & laugh..make a witty little joke about it - and then be straightforward. “Lol, that’s all I got. But you are really pretty. Let’s bang. :)” She just might dig it since you risked the embarrassment & still trucked forward.

Alrighty, you get the point. Gals, pick up lines are a bitch & make for an awkward rejection. But you’ve got to admit that they also allow for some pretty awesome gal-pal storytimes. What would we do without the entertainment of this? And guys, heed my words, and I pretty much guarantee you’re getting a piece of that panty pie.

Because if done incorrectly, pick up lines are for pansies. In my opinion.

As always, don’t forget to check out my Facebook page. Just click HERE!

I recently traveled 500 miles away from home to spend a week & a half in the great state of Minnesota. Oh, wait, did I say great? I meant shitty. The shitty state of Minnesota. Don’t get me wrong, the scenery was beautiful & the accents were pretty fucking sweet, but that about ends the short list of things that make Minnesota worthwhile. There were quite a few things about Minnesota that pissed me off, aside from the fact that I was there to accomplish back breaking construction labor.

1. The Liquor. (Or lack of liquor)

Seriously, anyone who’s anyone knows that when this gal needs a drank she needs her a damn drank. And any state that has some sick fucking law where the sale of alcohol stops at 10pm, is a shit state. Not to mention that the one liquor store located in Shithole, MN closed at 9pm. Really? That’s just cruel. I should also throw out there, that they do allow you to make some alcoholic purchases after 10pm. For instance, you can still buy some booze at a bar until 1am. And to be even more accommodating, they’ve even allowed folks to buy a night cap from the local Walmart until 1am as well. The catch? It’s 3.2% alcohol, which is hardly worth it in my opinion. I’d rather save the trip into the frigid night air, stay in my warm jammies, and slam down a bottle of mouthwash instead. With that said, I highly advise anyone with aspirations of becoming an alcoholic, to avoid Minnesota at all costs.

2. The Weather.

I hail from Nebraska & was raised in Michigan, so I’ve had my fair share of crap weather. But I must say that it’s been awhile since I’ve had to deal with such harsh weather conditions that I obviously became accustomed to decent weather. Therefore, when I took my fanny to Minnesota with only t-shirts, jeans, and one hoodie, I felt completely pissed off to be working outside in 10 degree weather & shivering my goddamn timbers off. My pal & I even attempted to escape from the snow covered town, only to be stopped by a big, fat blizzard & a closed down interstate. Curses! Oh, and check this - I even had some Minnesotan faggot tell me that the weather was unseasonably beautiful. Are you kidding me?! Now, I wasn’t asking for palm trees & a sandy beach, but seriously..non-stop blizzarding weather made it nearly impossible for my gal-pal & I to explore the region.

3. The Uglies.

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but I was pretty livid that not a single attractive person seemed to exist in the small town where we stayed. Don’t get me wrong, I was there for work - not love - but it’s a bit of an eyesore when everywhere you look you find yourself staring into the pimply face of a Minnesotan Sasquatch. It didn’t matter the age either. Young, old, fat. skinny..everyone was equally as ugly. I couldn’t tell you how many times we caught random strangers staring at us, or how often we heard how beautiful we are. I really do think they were amazed to see such beauty in their small town of beastly villagers. But I do think I’ve complained a bit too much on this one - after all, it was quite the confidence boost.

There were also a couple other small reasons for hating the state & town we visited, but I’m a blogger and therefore I write blogs, not novels. But you get the idea, nonetheless.

So save yourself the time, effort, & angst of visiting that god forsaken place. I don’t care if your lifelong goal is to see every state. Skip that one & I promise I won’t tell anybody. Because, Minnesota is for Minnesotans. In my opinion.

To see a video of my gal-pal & I doing the damn thang (working, that is), check us out on YouTube. http://youtu.be/S81jJNZRQEQ

So here’s what this is about - this ole’ blog is aimed towards the girlfriend (and rare boyfriend), concerned family member, friend, and fellow douche bag who incessantly complain about others time spent on a game console.

I will begin by saying that I am a biased party, although I play devil’s advocate very well. (Maybe a little too well..interesting.) I, myself, am guilty of spending hours at a time glued to the TV with a controller in one hand and some sort of greasy snack in the other. You will find me halfway covered in a blanket (no way am I hitting pause just to pull it all the way on), crumbs around my mouth and across my boobies (sexyy!), and with several cups of soda nearby (it saves the multiple trips to the fridge). And although this particular description may excite you, for most it is disgusting. And I agree! Kinda.

I agree for several reasons. Reason one, is that I have been the spectator to this “pathetic” way of life. I have witnessed family members, friends, and significant others withering away as they battle their way to level 5,672. I have seen the piles of food and crumbs and wrappers increase by astounding amounts as the hours pass by. I have seen the two second pause every hour on the hour, as they crack their knuckles or attempt some ridiculous method of preventing carpaltunnel. Reason Two, is that I have been that yucky freak of nature who has spent countless hours doing the above said things. I have come out of my gaming coma and felt like a slob. I have sometimes felt as though I have wasted a perfectly good day sitting inside, while I could have been galavanting outside in the sunshine. And I am right for feeling that way..sometimes.

I say sometimes because, MOST of the time I feel like a warrior! I am a Wasteland champion, a lawbringer to the people of the Wild West, a Savior to those fleeing from zombies, mutant spawn, and villainous humans. I am all those things and much, much more! See, most losers who spend the majority of their life gaming do so because they become one with the game which they are playing. For 12 solid hours we become the character we have meticulously created, we conquer, we are heroes! So in this aspect I feel as though the only loser in this situation are the assholes who don’t spend their time gaming like we do. Suck on that.

Now, to aim this more toward the nagging boyfriend/girlfriend. Do you have a hobby? Something you truly enjoy, that consumes hours of your time? Do you read books, obsessively shop for cargo jeans, or skateboard with your gnarly pals? Sure you do. I am positive that each and every one of you bitching arse mouths has a hobby that your significant other thinks completely blows. Yet we gamers put up with this shit. Why? Because we understand, man. We know how it feels to be one with the things you love in life. And if you don’t have a hobby & still insist on standing 2 feet away from you bf/gf begging them to drop the controller and smooch your pathetic ass..here’s a tip: get a fucking hobby! Find something to do with your time. Something that is going to take your mind off of the sick obsession you have to spend time with Colonel McSmatterstain (AKA your boyfriend). Because honestly, you are not going to pry that controller from his or her sweaty, ranch covered fingers.

Bottom line is to stop wasting your time making a hobby out of bitching about these gaming freaks and find a new hobby. And if you just can’t stand to do such a thing, then you obviously suck at life & should revoke your priviledge to even be a part of the dating world. Sideshow. And honestly, wasting away playing games is much better than a bf/gf out there boning 7 other people or slanging meth & crack to local schoolchildren. There are much, much worse things. Suck it up, fun sucker. Because gaming is a godsend.

In my opinion.